Apr 8, 2015

Sharing my body

I will never forget the day I found out I was pregnant. It seemed surreal, exciting, and absolutely terrifying. One of the things I struggle most with in life is dealing with failed expectations. (Sometimes the expectations are completely unpredictable, so therefore it's really unfair to have the expectation in the first place... you understand why that gets me into some emotional turmoil at times.) So... of course, I had expectations of what being pregnant would be like. 
It would go something like this: 
(granted, some of this might be a tad exaggerated, but you get the point.)

1st trimester: 
I'd start a pregnancy workout plan. I would be eating healthy and would get sufficient nutrients for me and the baby.
I'd probably wake up with morning sickness a few times, only to laugh about it later.
I'd work really hard to begin saving money to make a dream nursery and be able to slowly start getting all the "stuff" baby needs.
Baby will be completely healthy-no concerns.
I'd feel completely content and happy with this new step on our journey here on earth.

Second Trimester:
I'd be feeling awesome! Just like all the books I've read, I will be on fire with energy and starting to develop a tiny little "bump" that would look really poking out of all of my clothes (which obviously still fit, I'd just use the ole' rubber band around the  button trick, of course)
Still healthy and exercising, and I'd feel good about taking care of my body while the little one was growing.
Still upholding all of my responsibilities: teaching all of my students each week, taking care of the house, meal planning, grocery planning, cooking...
Baby is growing right on track, still no concerns.
Started preparing for Baby's room and am on track to getting all ready for our arrival.

Third Trimester:
Really showing, and I love flaunting my cute belly to everyone. I'm just a cute pregnant lady.
Everything from 2nd trimester still happening...
Maybe a case of swollen feet, bad heart burn, varicose veins, back pain... But nothing I can't handle.
Duh- the pregnancy glow. My hair is thick and long and my face looks all glowy and beautiful. 
So, quite the fantasy, right? Obviously very ridiculously perfect and unrealistic, but I really believed that pregnancy would be a breeze compared to other things I have dealt with in life.

Oh how wrong I was to have expectations about something that was completely out of my hands.

Turns out, God always gives us what we can handle. I honestly don't think I've "handled" this very well, but I do believe that He is helping me figure it out to make me stronger and more prepared to be a mommy. 

It's strange... I really remember having this immediate realization when seeing that double line on the pregnancy test that my body really was no longer my own, that I had a responsibility to give this little one everything she needs. That responsibility felt heavy and real.

My pregnancy has not been what I expected (or more like hoped...). 
I am in tears as I think about the past 6 1/2 months and all of the ups and downs, tears and laughs, fears and reliefs that I have experienced. 

My pregnancy has not been ideal (Obviously I know that no one's pregnancy is "ideal". But I am not comparing my pregnancy to anyone's here, I just want to express my feelings.) And it has put me through the ringer time and time again, maybe more than anything else has in my life. 
I don't really need to go into detail about whats been specifically difficult about my pregnancy, but I would like to write what I've learned from those difficult things.

What sharing my body has taught me:

I've realized a need to ask for help and how beautiful it is to let someone serve you because you literally can't lift your head off of your pillow. Beautiful relationships have been developed as I have let others be there for me during this tough time.

I've realized how much my husband loves me, wants to see me happy, and how willing he is to do anything to help me feel the love he has for me. He's done so much for me over the past 6 1/2 months and I can't even begin to express my gratitude for all he's done. I really hit the jackpot with that man. I love him more and more everyday.

Throwing up really is the worst. I don't care how awesome you are, it is really impossible to feel joy and be throwing up. I hate not feeling joy. I've realized how much I love joy. 

I've been working really hard over the past year and a half or so to love my body, to love what my body does for me and to not try to change it to fit a mold of how I "should" look. I realized a long time ago that I never want my children, especially daughters, to ever feel they need to count a calorie, manage their carb intake, or "work off a meal". I wanted to begin to change my language about taking care of my body so that my children had a positive influence about body image. I was making pretty good progress, and then I started to grow. Everywhere. My legs, my face, my arms, my boobs... everything started to get bigger, not to mention my growing belly. My body has grown to take care of this baby. I wanted that to be an easy thing for me, and I'm sad to admit how hard it's been. I also haven't been able to exercise at all, at first because of how sick I was, and then because of having Placenta Previa that causes me to refrain from any physical activity. Taking pictures has been painful and sometimes tearful, but you know what? Those pictures will be a gem someday for Baby Girl to see. For that, I will try to be strong. 
The body stuff has been just downright hard.

But, here's what I've learned... rather, am trying to learn:
-It's okay to be scared to be sharing my body.
-I'm going to be able to exercise again, just because I can't right now doesn't mean that I can't forever.
-This is why  I was created. My body can and has been creating a baby. A real human being.With the cutest cheeks I've ever seen. That's really beautiful.
-I can (and am... although saying that is still very hesitant and difficult) still be beautiful with extra stuff on my body. 

Nothing makes me feel more useless than not doing, teaching, serving, etc. I had to learn to feel useful and important in different ways. It took me a long time to realize how amazing it is that my body was creating a Baby Morris. 

All of the ways to ease nausea are bull. None of them work. (At least not for me)

The "pregnancy glow" is bogus. At least for me. I have weird rash-like acne that develops on my face every few days... I guess thats a type of a glow, just not the type I expected :)

No matter how many times the Dr. tells you the thing they are following "isn't a huge concern... we are just monitoring it....", you still worry about the little human all. the. time. Her Kidneys and Bowel have been a concern, causing us to see a Perinatologist as well as the OBGYN, but they constantly are saying that they aren't "too concerned"... and yet, I, as her mother, am very concerned. It's a little bit frustrating to feel like I'm getting mixed signals- not knowing how serious something is or isn't.

Anticipating a baby is the best thing in the world. Even though, for me, a lot of the things that come with that anticipation are the worst thing in the world. And thats okay. It hasn't made me any less happy about having a baby, it will just be ALL the more worth it when she comes. 

Seeing a High Risk dr. is actually not the worst thing- you get lots more FaceTime with baby :) 

Sometimes, all you can eat is a bowl of Captain Crunch for breakfast. And 5 slices of white bread for lunch. And eggs for dinner. It's hard to not beat yourself up for not eating as nutritiously as you planned or hoped, but I've learned that it's more important to get food in at all! And still, even though I literally have to force myself to eat, I still feel like I have gained a thousand pounds and think I look like I eat cheeseburgers all day everyday. 

I believe food will taste good again someday, and that I will eventually not feel sick and stop throwing up. So that's good news. 

While we have a few things for baby girl, I'm not nearly as prepared as I thought we'd be. And that's okay, cause most of the retailers make you believe you need a lot more for a little newborn. We will be just fine. 

And most importantly... I've learned this: being a mom is going to be the most important thing I will ever do. It scares me more than anything else ever has, but I also feel so close to this Baby Girl and can't wait to try and give her everything she needs. The Lord sometimes gives us a really strong nudge to come unto Him, and I feel that my "nudge" was (and is) this pregnancy... these feelings of fear, frustration and of being unable to be who this Baby Girl needs me to be brought me to lean on my Savior more than I ever have in my life, even when I didn't want to admit that He could help me. I really do know that whatever curveball life sends our way, even in the form of failed expectations that can really disappoint, God can lift us and make us better, stronger and more prepared for whats to come. 
Baby Girl- I can't wait to hold you. I can't wait to look you in the eyes and tell you how amazing, beautiful and loved you are. Being your Mom makes me the luckiest lady around. But seriously, please don't come late... cause I think pregnancy might just kick me out of commission. Be nice to your momma! I love you. 


Feb 8, 2015

Baby Girl!

We found out just about 10 weeks ago we are expecting a new little addition to our family. 
Excitement, fear, more excitement and more fear all set in…
I am pretty sure Taylor started loving me even more 
than he did before he found out I was carrying his child-- 
It has been so fun to see him light up when talking about being a Dad.

I've been so sick since about week 6 (I am in week 17 now) 
that just making sure I was getting food in me…
and keeping it down… 
and figuring out how to still do my responsibilities…
was about all I could think about. 

We scheduled our 20 week Ultrasound at which we would be able to find out the gender for March 2nd. 

For my impatient self… that seemed WAAAY to far away. But we just went with the flow.

But then this past week, after our regular monthly check in, my OBGYN referred us to a Perinatologist to double check some of my blood work. 

At this appointment, the Dr. assured us that Baby is healthy and strong and that they will keep checking on my blood to make sure that the baby stays healthy. 

We also got to see  Baby in an extensive Ultrasound.
Baby would not sit still! 
Moving all over the place and barely making it possible to get pictures.

But… We were able to find out the gender….

We decided a while ago on doing a paint balloon war with either Pink or Blue paint to announce the Baby's gender.

We had no idea how fun it would be. 


Thats one happy soon-to-be Daddy right there. 

Obviously, I was terrified to get hit…

I've always hated pink… but it turns out it suits me rather well… so I guess I'll manage. 

Don't worry, no paint got in our mouths :)

Surprise Silly String attack from Scott-- Cami's Boyfriend and assistant

Couldn't be happier.

Couldn't have a gender reveal without some cupcakes…
Shoved in each others' mouths…

I can't believe I get to be a parent with Him. 
He is going to be the best Daddy ever.


Feb 20, 2014

A little love

Well. It's February... I recognize that my last post was quite some time ago... Which I feel badly about, mostly because when I write the thoughts and experiences I have they sort of become real in front of my very eyes, sort of like a musical.
Oh yeah. I'm a performer.
Which has a bit to do with my post.

So this month is all about Love. 
Just for kicks, I looked up "Love" on Wikipedia and what I found was exactly what I was hoping to find: 
Love refers to a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes that ranges from interpersonal affection ("I love my mother") to pleasure ("I loved that meal"). It can refer to an emotion of a strong attraction and personal attachment. It can also be a virtue representing human kindness,compassion, and affection—"the unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another". It may also describe compassionate and affectionate actions towards other humans, one's self or animals.

The Beatles had it right... All you need is Love. 
Now, don't get me wrong, I really don't struggle loving God, people, shopping, clothes, food, scrapbooking, Pinterest-ing... So what's the point of all this jabber?

I'm gonna be real and say that I struggle so bad to love a pretty important person to love... myself. 

Now I know a lot of you feel this way some of the time. It's really sad, you know that?

I just find it really crazy that for some reason we all stray from time to time from the inherent people that we were born to be: people who know who they were and where we came from and that nothing else matters as much as that knowledge. We all seem to forget what we are all about.

In this forgetting, we start to fight with ourselves daily. We start to tell our bodies what is wrong with them, we start to insult our brains, our feelings, our actions, all because we believe we are not good enough.
For what?! 
Really the only people we are trying to please and be "enough" for is ourselves because obviously people around us love us completely and don't even think that there is something to be fixed-- or worse--insulted. 
It's just silly and needs to stop.
We are all different with different qualities. There is something beautiful about every human. 
I really believe that.
Also, when you have a friend who is feeling badly about herself, what do you do? You tell her the things you love about her, you give her compliments and take her to get a pedicure and watch a chick flik. And yet when we are feeling badly, we beat ourselves up to a pulp. Silliness. Why would our bodies/hair/brains/feelings want to be nice to us when we tirelessly are beating her down? Silliness.

Today I was in a dressing room at the mall looking for a perfect dress for the Music Dance Theater showcase that I am performing in this weekend for our (Mine and Taylor's) Major at BYU. It had to be the perfect dress so that I could look perfect and sound perfect and be perfect and be perfect.
Did I mention I wanted to be perfect?
Well, folks, I'm not perfect. I don't look perfect, sound perfect, act perfect, perform perfect... I just am me  and I do my best.
So I'm looking in the mirror and noticed my sweater had a huge heart on my chest. 
I looked at myself and I thought "You're beautiful, Bailee. I love you." 
And it was weird.
And Awesome
And sort of beautiful.

Didn't matter what size dresses I was trying on, how great  my hair looked (it did look great today since I got a bang trim), or how good I would look on stage in my performance, I am me  and that's enough. I did some poses in the bathroom and took some selfies... I needed that. 

So, to end... this quote pretty much sums it up. Let's all be nice to ourselves, eh? 

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”