May 19, 2013

The day everything changed… from the happiest, to the saddest... and the perfect way of things.

Today marks 6 months since the happiest day of my life.

And tomorrow, at 6:00 A.M. marks the saddest day of my life.

And tomorrow is Madie’s 19th birthday. She died at exactly 18 ½ years of age.

It is still really difficult to wrap my mind around how quickly Taylor and I went from being completely elated, on cloud 9 and feeling that nothing in the world could bring us back to earth. Even on our engagement video I shouted the words “It’s perfect!” as Taylor gave me the 6 dollar temporary Kohls ring and asked me to spend eternity with him.

But then, 6 hours later, we literally crashed to the earth, our world shattered, and the glass everywhere to prove it. Madie died instantly in the crash, and Taylor was severely injured. People have asked how I managed to handle that scene, and all I know to say in response is: “God. He guided me through every step. God helped me every second of the way.”

And now, 6 months has gone by faster than I thought possible, and at the very same time, slower than I thought possible. So much has happened that it is indescribeable to try and put into words. But what I do know is that Heavenly Father knows us and has helped us, again, every second of the way. Taylor and I were talking at the 5 month mark about what we had learned, and Taylor’s response was absolutely perfect. “I wouldn’t trade it for what I have learned and who we have become.” I agree. Heavenly Father will never allow a tragedy to befall, a trial to endure, or a difficult challenge to leave us high and dry with no where to turn. He IS there. The difficult challenges we find ourselves in truly can be an opportunity to become who He needs us to become. It doesn't make the trial any less difficult, but provides light to a seemingly dark and frustrating path. 

The biggest thing I have learned, though, is that it can STILL be perfect. It just looks different. The "perfect" moment of our engagement was definitely what we might consider perfection. But I have come to learn that each day is perfect, filled with ups and downs and everything in between, but still perfect. It is all a part of this glorious plan we are a part of and we have the ability to make each day an absolutely perfect day, even if it doesn't look perfect in the moment... eventually, it will all come together into a perfect puzzle where each piece, whether light or dark, has a purpose and is needed to make a beautiful picture. 

However, it is still extremely difficult to understand why sweet, beautiful, Madie had to leave this earth and return to her Heavenly Home. This world was better because of her, and now we are all left to try and fill the void that she left. I struggle when I talk to the Morris family to have the words to adequately describe how incredibly sorry I am that this happened. All I know is that I was there, the images in my mind are as real as day, and I can say without a doubt that all of this happened for a reason.

It is always a weird feeling to come up on the anniversary each month… I feel a sense of wanting to understand more than I do now, but I also can say that what I wished I understood 6 months ago I understand more now… So, with that in mind, I hope that in 6 more months more light and understanding has come.

We are on this earth to experience joy, and this is a principle that Taylor continues to live by every single day. He is such an example to me of finding joy in the journey, no matter what bumps (literally) come in the way. I am catching on, slowly but surely to the wonderful life that living in joy can be. We often talk about how incredible blessed we have been over the last 6 months. We have grown in ways unimaginable. We are so grateful. There is so much to be joyful about, and I hope we always try and feel the joy that we are on this earth to feel!

Happy 6 months of our engagement to my Taylor. The most wonderful guy in the entire world. He is my everything, my other half, my stalwart, my best friend, my laughter, my joy… I can’t believe I am lucky enough to spend eternity with him.

And a birthday note for Madie:

It is still incredibly weird that you are not around. I love remembering our dance parties in the car, grocery shopping, game nights, spending time the three of us, visiting you and your roommates in her apartment, and many talks we had together. You are a light. You will forever be a light in this world that misses you so dearly. We are trying to make it better, the way you did… help us along, will you? I am trying to be more like you… trying to be more like our Savior, just like you. I am learning to understand what is most important, and believe it or not, that change and shift in my life is completely because of you. Thank you. I miss you, Taylor misses you, we all miss you. Take care of things up there until we all figure out enough of our earthly experience to be privileged to join you. Love you Madeline Rose.


  1. Love you. This post is perfect.

  2. Oh my Bailee and Taylor... i just spent some time reading over your blog, and I am touched to read your insights and experiences. You are both so inspiring Love, Mom